ramanda's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I got work to do 07.11.02 11:58pm So Cluck. I�ve been avoiding talking about this, mostly because I just don�t know what to say. After spending Canada Day weekend with him, or more correctly, spending Canada Day weekend being treated like crap by him, I wondered if maybe I had convinced myself I liked him more than I did. I started to think that maybe I liked the idea of him more than I liked him. I started to realize that the times when he made my heart flutter were mostly when I sat in my room and thought about him, and not so much when he was sitting next to me. A lot of things happen in my head and I�m beginning to realize that I have a terrible time trying to sort out how things are from how I want them to be. I wanted to talk to him about all of this, but figured I should let it lie. We were all looking forward to a weekend away at the cottage and didn�t want any stupid romantic drama messing it up for anyone, myself especially. Then we went to the cottage and he spent the whole weekend either mocking me or ignoring me. He was rude, insolent, and annoying. I didn�t much want to talk to him, nevermind anything else. I tried to work it so I could be alone with him, have a moment to talk to him, to at least talk to him rationally about why he was being such an asshole. It never happened. As the weekend wore on it started to stress me out. He didn�t laugh at my jokes. He wouldn�t look me in the eye. He never spoke to me directly unless it was to make fun of me, and even then he mostly wasn�t talking to me. By Saturday night I felt stressed and panicked. After dinner we planned a trip down the beach to the store, to get mix and ice cream. I stayed behind under the pretense of getting some homework done. I put Van Morrison on the stereo and sat at the kitchen table with my laptop open. I started to write a short story for my creative writing class, but mostly I put my head down on the table and cried. By the time everyone came back from the store I was feeling better. Sometimes I think I just need a moment to myself. I spend a lot of time alone and I think when I don�t get that time it really stresses me out. I love my friends, but it�s hard to be with them sometimes. Sometimes I just need to sit by myself in a quiet room for a minute or two. Everyone moved out to the lawn to watch the sunset. I brushed my teeth and splashed some cold water on my face and resigned myself not to worry about it. I did a pretty good job too, though I think I was more of a bitch to Cluck that I needed to be. I�m given to passionate seizures. I can�t do things halfway, either I�m ecstatic, or I�m miserable. The rest of the evening was lovely, smoking and drinking and laughing and eating chips and marshmallows and pop-tarts toasted on a cinderblock in the fire. The drive home the next day was relatively uneventful. Cluck and I were alone for a while after I dropped Kristin and Andrew off. I drove him to my place to get his bike, but he�d forgotten the key to the lock, so we had to go back to his place and then back to my place again. I left him in the driveway, unlocking his bike as I sped off down the street, music too loud, smoking a cigarette. I haven�t talked to him since then. I don�t know what to think. I worry that I just convinced myself that I like him because I�m lonely, because I like the idea of having someone to call at the end of the day, someone to hug me when I�m tired and stressed. I worry that I�ve just convinced myself that I don�t like him because he�s made it pretty obvious that he doesn�t like me. I worry that he does like me, but it�s only because I�ll get drunk and make out with him. I worry that he�s always looking for a better offer. I worry that I�ll never be enough for him, for anyone. As of now I think I give up. This is going nowhere quickly and it�s already caused me more grief than it�s worth. There are things I really like about him, but there are just as many things about him that make me crazy. I think all of this is indicative of the fact that he�s not what I need. I think I�m finally ready to want someone, but maybe it�s not him. Lord knows I�ve been wrong before. *sigh*
I can see it in your eyes
And now it's too late to change fate
I gotta handle you carefully
Try to be true to a moment
And now it's too late to change fate
I gotta handle you carefully
Oh, anyone, anyone
10:35pm Art? Or fun internet toy? Found here. 8:33am I realized last night that I don�t deal well with anger. I was so angry I was shaking, and swearing and pacing. I couldn�t think. I couldn�t talk. About the only thing I could do was sit on the porch and smoke and seethe. I really need to work on that. I think it comes from years of my mother preventing me from getting angry. When I was little, if I was upset I wasn�t allowed to scream or stomp or cry. If I did any of those things I was sent to my room. When I had calmed down I was allowed to come out, then my mum and I could talk about it rationally. I think I�ve just learned not to get mad, instead I�ve learned to be upset, to repress, to push down the angry feelings and think about things rationally. I don�t mean to say this is a bad thing, at least not totally. I think it makes me much more pleasant to be around, it probably makes me easier to deal with, but at the same time, how much good is this doing me? Because I think there needs to be room for screaming and stomping and crying. I think that sometimes it�s okay to be angry. Sometimes it�s justified, but even when it is, I can�t seem to be angry, instead I just feel sick, and panicked. Yes. I really need to work on that. In other news I finished my paper, which I�ll be re-submitting today. I don�t know that it�s any better than the other paper, but at least I�ve got my verb tenses all sorted out. Heh. Also I�m supposed to go shopping with San tonight for shoes for Harmony�s wedding, which would be all well and good if either of us had money for shoes. I wasn�t expecting this to come up so soon. I wasn�t expecting her to spring it on me last Friday that I had to buy shoes this week. Not her fault, I realize � but it�s still an inconvenience. Let�s just hope we don�t have to pay for them until later, or that I can make the food I have now stretch until the next time I get paid. Which is another thing. How is it possible that I have a job and I still never have any money? Rent and gas and hydro and the phone bill and the cable bill (which is ridiculously high because Jen is all about the digital cable) and groceries. . . I guess I can see where it all goes. I really need to break this pattern of living paycheck to paycheck though. I guess I really need to work on that too. -A 8:33 a.m. - 07.11.02 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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