ramanda's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- you took off your clothes, to remind me of the ocean 03.03.05 4:13pm On the 18th Dan and I celebrated a belated Valentine's Day as well as the anniversary of our first date. We started with pitchers at Molly's with some of my co-workers and then headed downtown for a posh steak dinner. We talked over stuffed mushrooms and Caesar salad. I got half-drunk on a bottle of Valpolicella. He helped me into my coat and held my hand all the way home in the cab. When we got home he helped me out of my coat and my clothes. We had mind-bending sex. Afterward we opened presents. He liked the CD I made for him and the PacMan game I bought him. I was delighted to discover that he hadn't brought me a cheesy gift like a teddy bear or lingerie, but that he had made me a goodie bag filled with toys. A Slinky and a Barrel of Monkeys and a puzzle and some Play-doh and a little red, cast-iron pick-up truck. It made me smile. It made me feel like maybe he gets me. Funny too, since I had written an email to a friend that afternoon explaining that I didn't think he got me at all. We had sex again. And before I fell asleep I laid awake for a long time wondering how it is that two people can connect so powerfully on a physical level without an emotional connection. I wondered if maybe that comes with time. If it comes at all. Because the sex really is fantastic. It's everything else that leaves me wondering. On Sunday, after spending the entire weekend together, we had a huge fight. It started out small, built to a crescendo with me storming out of the living room and into my bedroom, where I sobbed loudly until he came in and rubbed my back and made me tell him why I was so upset. It ended with a small kiss and the lingering feeling that it was on it's way to being over. I spent all of last Monday obsessing about it. Worrying. Wondering. Being confused. He blew me off Monday night to go play poker with his friends. I was livid. I tried to talk to Natalie about it Monday night, but everything came out wrong and none of the things she said made sense. I floundered around in a puddle of my own confusion and cried myself to sleep. That Tuesday morning I resolved to end it. I wrote a book-length entry about it. But I never got around to posting it. Sometimes I think fate intervenes when she realizes that you are too confused or stupid to be making decisions for yourself. He picked me up after work. We had Subway and went to the movies and had wild sex on the living room rug. And it was fine. All the doubt and the worry and the panic that slips in when I try to talk to people about it slips away when I'm with him. Afterward, his arm curled around me he prodded, "What? What are you thinking about?" And so I talked. About how I was angry about Monday night. About how I felt guilty, because I don't want him to feel like I have designs on his time. About how I do want him to respect me. And do what he says he's going to. And not blow me off. And he asked me if I was seeing anyone else. Did I want to? Would it bother me if I he did? And I didn't know the answers to any of those questions. And I told him so. And he understood. I have been waiting weeks for the butterflies, for the spark, for that place inside me to light up when he walks in the room. And I have been progressively more upset that it just isn't there. The thing is, I do like him. I like spending time with him. I love having sex with him. I don't know what I want. He doesn't either. (Or he does and he's hedging his bets - I still can't quite figure that out). But spending time together feels good. Part of me thinks I should end it. That it isn't enough. That it isn't fair to either of us. The other part knows that not every relationship has to be forever and that I shouldn't feel so goddamn guilty about it. I am not in love with him. He is not in love with me. We're having fun getting to know each other. And that is enough. For now. 3:10pm Via. Tim Horton's coffee cups account for more than 20% of all of Nova Scotia's garbage. Is it sad that I am not surprised by this at all? -A 3:10 p.m. - 03.03.05 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||
|
||||||