ramanda's Diaryland Diary

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my sweet entries : 2001

february 2001 - baby, everything is alright, uptight, outta sight
I spent most of February getting wasted with my friends and totally neglecting to study, or even go to class on any sort of regular basis. At midterms I was getting straight A's and so I took a little vacation from schoolwork. I had a blast, but mostly I was pining over Greg, feeling a little empty and not quite ready to acknowledge it.

march 2001 - I don�t feel so lonely. I feel loved, and it�s almost enough
In March I started smoking again. I was smoking to fill the holes in my life that were getting too big to ignore. Things had gone wrong. A month of drinking and ignoring my problems caught up with me and I felt empty and tired and not at all sure of what I should be doing, where I should be going, how to start feeling better about myself and the way I was living my life. I was even further embroiled in the mess that was my relationship with Greg, and despite my feeble attempts to see things another way, any other way, things were not looking up.

april 2001 - these precious things, let them break their hold over me
April. For the most part I was too busy to do much of anything but write papers, study and look forward to May, to starting a new job, in a new city. Things hadn�t changed, but just as in March I had thought about it all too much, in April I thought about it less and less. I looked forward to a holiday in Nova Scotia, and to starting fresh.

may 2001 - don't you think I'm so sexy? I'm just so fresh and clean
May. Forgot boys, forgot girls. Forgot landlord troubles and homesickness and work stress. I was a little sad some days, but mostly I took comfort in the fact that I�ve got friends who love me and I had a summer full of sunshine and wonder to look forward to. The good times never seemed so good.

june 2001 - don't go breaking my heart
Got my heart broken in June. Twice. First, I had to end things with Greg, because I just couldn't do it anymore. And I struggled and I faltered, but I started down the long road to getting over him. Then Richard came and went. That wasn't so much heartbreak really, just sadness in realizing that we weren't something I thought we could have been. All of this left me feeling tired and lonely and lost.

july 2001 - how can I stand here with you, and not be moved by you
July. Also, Elliot. Lord I don't think I wrote about much else. Gave the page a much needed facelift, quit smoking, and dreamed of a boy I just might have the courage to love.

august 2001 - baby, if I could keep it together, don't you think I'd try
More of the same really. Fell even harder for Elliot. Managed to rationalize not telling him about it. Started blogging instead of just journalling - which helped to keep me amused at work, and helped me to avoid articulating all the things I was really feeling.

september 2001 - it smelled just like the start of almost any other year
It got colder amidst a flurry of tears, of homework assignments, of drugs and alcohol, of books consumed between cozy flannel sheets. I felt more alone than I ever had before. Eventually I'll learn to deal with that.

october 2001 - awaiting trust, respect and admiration
I got over myself a little. It got colder, I got angrier, and busier. There's not much time to be a self-absorbed whiner when you've got interviews to go to and career choices to worry about, midterms to study for and papers to write.

november 2001 - if I ever get out of here, thought of giving it all away
More complaining about my parents, and about papers. Short stories, panic about money and about making out with the wrong people. Got drunk. Got high. Re-kindled failing friendships. Got sad again, but realized that eventually I'll be okay. Made plans for a better life starting in January - stay tuned.

december 2001 - my happiness is slowly creeping back
Breakdowns, moving plans, exams, papers, and tears. Through all of it though, I was starting to heal myself, I was figuring out what I needed and making plans to go out and get it. This New Year's isn't about resolutions, it's about changing my life, making it my own life, and learning to be okay with that.

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