ramanda's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i'm stumbling and I know I play a bad guitar 03.27.05 11:40pm A couple of months ago when I was pulling CDs to loan to Cameron to play at my birthday party I discovered that I owned two copies of Exile on Main Street by the Rolling Stones. I have no idea how that happened. Today at dinner I gave my dad the extra copy. After we ate he put the CD on the stereo in the living room and we sat around sipping tea, tapping our toes and talking. Just now, before I came in here to write this entry I put my copy on the stereo in my living room and cranked the volume. Jagger�s melodious whine and the staccato guitar of Rocks Off are providing an appropriate backdrop for this entry. Got a minute? Are you comfy? Good. This could take a while. I spent the day cleaning my room; throwing away old clothes, tossing out piles of record store receipts and 6-month old phone bills. I re-organized my closet. I even emptied out the junk in the three plastic bins that live under my bed. I have been amassing piles of crap in every corner of this apartment since I moved in a year and a half ago. It�s time to get rid of some of it. Tomorrow I tackle the linen closet, the bathroom cupboard and the huge closet in the living room. Pray that I am not crushed by the Christmas decorations and craft supplies that will rain down on my head. For now, at least my room is clean. It is only one small corner of my apartment, and yet I already feel better. Lighter. My life feels so much simpler when my living space is clean and organized. To that end, I have hired a cleaning lady. She will come every other Tuesday to mop my floors and clean my kitchen and my bathroom, and I will relish a clean apartment that doesn�t require a lick of work on my part. I hate cleaning. Hate it. I work 55+ hours a week and I think it is cruel and unusual that I should spend my weekends sweeping and vacuuming and wiping down counters. So I don�t. So my apartment is always a mess. And I feel guilty and dirty and I never invite anyone over because I am embarrassed of the mess but too lazy to clean. I�m pretty sure this is one the best decisions I�ve ever made. I cannot wait to come home from work on Tuesday night to a clean apartment. I guess I should mention that part of the reason I can afford a cleaning lady is that it�s only $35 every two weeks. That and I got a 4.5% pay raise at the end of February, which means another $100 a month (after the government takes their share). At our last team meeting they told us that most people would be getting about 3% with adjustments made based on performance. I guess my 4.5% means that I�m still the top performer on the team. This is probably a good thing seeing as my boss is going on mat leave for a year starting in September and they will be looking for someone to fill in while she�s away. I don�t know that I am experienced enough, responsible enough or mature enough to have four direct reports (two of them senior members of the team). I do know that I am about ready for a new challenge. More on that as it develops. Which leads nicely into my next update. I am currently responsible for four training programs. I write two (a two-day program and a one-day program). The girl who works for me writes the other two (a one-day and a half-day). For four months I have been plotting and planning to re-vamp the two training programs I am responsible for. Both programs are wildly successful, but I know they could be better. There�s so much more we could be doing. So I worked with the trainers to put a plan together � a plan to tear everything down and start from scratch. It is a fuckload of work and it�s risky (since people are generally happy with the way things work now) but I got approval to move forward. I�ve already done a lot of the research. I will be finishing that up in the coming weeks and then, sometime in April, I�ll sit down with the lead trainer to start pulling the pieces together. I�ll spend the rest of the spring and summer writing. I am really, really excited. I feel like this is the last learning opportunity I need before I move on. There have been so many times in the last year that I have been ready to fly the coop, but part of me has always resisted because I know I�m not finished here yet. I need to leave those two programs in better shape than when they were given to me. I need to know that I have substantially improved the quality of the product we�re delivering. And then I can go. That doesn�t mean I�m leaving the company. Maybe I won�t even be leaving the department. That said, this project will likely (hopefully?) be my final project as a course developer. After that it is onwards and upwards. Regardless of where that might be. Since we�re on the topic of learning experiences I should probably mention that I�m going back to school. Starting in September I�m heading back to school to get my B.Ed. It�s part-time. You take five courses (one per semester) over two or three years (depending on whether you want to take courses in the summer or not) and you end up with a B.Ed in Adult Education. I�m only 26. I can�t say that I�ll be working in Training forever. But I do enjoy it. And having a degree that certifies that I know something about adult education is probably a good idea. It will definitely help me in my current role and any other role within the department. Hell, it even qualifies me to teach at the college level if I feel like it. Maybe I�ll get to teach a Can Lit course one day after all. *wink* Now. This is the part where I�m supposed to write a paragraph about my relationship with Dan. But I�m running out of steam. And the truth is that there isn�t much to say. He makes me laugh until my stomach hurts. He takes care of me when I�m sick. He brings me cotton candy and Play-doh. The sex is amazing. I enjoy spending time with him. Yes, sometimes he annoys the piss out of me. Sometimes the things he says make me so mad I want to storm out of restaurants or jump out of his truck at a stop light. But more often than not we are laughing and making out and singing Wilson Phillips songs at the top of our lungs. When all of this started I said I was afraid of waking up in three months with a boyfriend I didn�t want. And I�ve managed not to. Everyone at work teases me and calls him my boyfriend. And maybe he is, by definition. But he is not really my boyfriend. Not in my heart. It isn�t love. We�re too different. Our value systems and our goals and our dreams just don�t mesh that way. When his green eyes meet mine I see a companion, but not a partner. He isn�t forever. But it is going to be lovely for as long as it lasts. And I am learning to accept that. Maybe it doesn�t have to be butterflies and heart-rending passion. Maybe comfortable can be pretty sweet. Maybe at 26 I don�t need to worry about Mr. Right. Maybe Mr. Right Now is exactly what I have been looking for all along. Hmmm. I guess I had a whole paragraph about Dan in me after all. I think it is fitting that I�m managing to wrap this entry up 17 tracks into Exile on Main Street* and that the 17th track is the gospel anthem, Shine a Light. I am not a Christian. Jesus doesn�t mean much to me. He is not, in fact, my homeboy. But I think this is a lovely Easter message all the same.
May the good Lord shine a light on you -A * Note to BT: Exile? Totally on the 25 best list. 11:40 p.m. - 03.27.05 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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